Last month I went through a break up. After the initial shock and wave of emotions, I quickly tried to sequester and hide everything I was feeling. I wanted to be strong and brave and move on as quickly as possible. Realistically, I’m still dealing with it now because I tried to avoid dealing with it then. I’ve been reading and absorbing so much trying to figure out how this changes my plans and how I can grow and move through this. This is the first real heartbreak I’ve experienced and to top it all off I’m 1700 miles away from my closest support system. One of the things that has been humbling through this is how willing people I met just months ago are to step in and support me as I navigate all of the emotions that I’m feeling.
I read something the other day that said “the walls we use to protect our image are the same walls that imprison us in our pain” and I realized that for the past month I’ve been trying to appear brave and strong and grounded because in my mind I equate my own emotions with weakness and because everyone kept telling me how brave and strong I was to pursue my dreams. But the thing is I’m not brave or strong on my own. I was just following the calling of my purpose. The walls I hide behind are that of bravery and strength when in reality I am plagued by doubts and anxiety. By hiding and trying to pretend I wasn’t going through emotional stress, I was only hurting myself more. I know that I feel things incredibly deeply but not processing my feelings as they come has caused even more pain.
In these moments, I feel really blessed to have a relationship with Christ and incredibly strong and accepting friendships. Without these, I can’t imagine what my mental state would be. There is so much baggage to work through and I’m trying to process everything. My rational and irrational thoughts are at a constant war between knowing what’s for the best and what I want, which lies in comfort. I’ve had some really hard and honest conversations and I’ve cried probably more than any other time in my life (I’d like to blame this on being a Pisces). I’m just trying to cope with this as best I can on top of every other change that I’m still adjusting to. There are so many doubts and what-ifs that come to my mind when thinking about that relationship and everything that happened.
A few things I know for certain after thinking back on it; never, ever doubt your own intuition– you know when something feels wrong and don’t ever let anyone make you feel like what you’re feeling doesn’t matter. I made this mistake too many times for the happiness and comfort of others. It’s ok to feel weak, it’s ok to feel vulnerable, it’s ok to be angry, to be sad, to feel hurt. It’s ok to acknowledge that it really fucking sucks but don’t try to hide it. Don’t try to push it down and think that it won’t resurface more angrily at a later point because it will and you’ll have to relive it again.
So here I am– weak, made strong by my faith and my friends. I’m in a growing season. I’m cultivating, fertilizing, and weeding. I have so much to learn and so much personal growth to explore and I will sow the seeds to reap the harvest.
My final advice if you’re in a similar season–trust yourself, lean into your faith, and hold tight to the true (old and new) friends around you. It’s hard and it sucks, but we’ll make it through.